I am sure that everyone has faced challenges in their lives that they thought they would never get over. I have been there... Oh this was such a terrible day or questioning why did I have to change jobs. Well God has been there everytime holding my hand and walking me through every challenge I have ever faced.
The past few day have been some of the hardest days for me. I have such fear of the unknown. With CHD (congeital heart defects) you never know what your child will face at any point in their lives. I have been so blessed to talk with other heart moms and they are amazing. Their faith and strength has been incrediable. They are always willing to help you with advice and give you hope. I hope that I will have the same faith and strength in 5 weeks when Jordan is brought into this world.
There is apart of me that wishes he could just stay in my tummy forever! Everytime I feel him kick and roll over I know he is safe. As long as he is inside of me he is protected and has no pain. The moment he is born he will have to fight for his life FOREVER! I have questioned WHY? WHY MY JORDAN? WHY ME? I think that its only human nature to ask that question. For all of you that have kids - when they fall and hurt their knee it hurts your heart for them. So I can't imagine how our lives will be effected. With him having to go through open heart surgery just days after he is born. Everyday is a gift from God - I'm finding it very difficult to live in the moment, even though I know that this is what is best for the both of us.
There are so many emotions as a heart mom that you have to face - anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, regret... hope, faith, joy, happiness and being thankful. We have been following so many heart babies blogs ever since Jordan was diagnosed with HLHS at 28 weeks. That is a day we will never forget and our lives have not been the same since. The normal lives that most people share will never be normal for us again. We will always have the thoughts of when his next surgery will be, making sure his immune system stays strong, taking medicines and going to doctor appointments. We were reading up on the blogs we follow last Sunday when we found out that a family had to say their goodbyes to their son that was only 2 days old. Our hearts broke...we were devastated for the parents and family. We know that this is something that we may face with our Jordan but we keep so much hope and faith that he will be strong and God will allow us to take care of him forever. We have prayed more in the last 14 weeks I think than I have in my entire life. We find ourselves praying for our Jordan, our strength and faith, for other families facing the battle of heart defects. I have questioned why is this even such a thing... these are innocent babies that are born with a horrible defect that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. We are also following a blog of a family whose baby is 2 weeks old and is doing great. Their story has been such an inspiration to our lives. Everyday we wake up to check her updates to see how baby Joshua is doing. I have been emailing his mother the past few days and its amazing how heart moms are so willing to help in every way possible. God bless everyone of them! God gives these babies to us to show us that miracles happen everyday and that God will never leave us or forsake us!
God has a plan for each one of us and sometimes his plan is far greater than we can imagine. I know that Jordan will be a blessing to our lives! God will use Jordan's life and broken heart in a powerful way. The path we are soon to go down is unknown. To sit and watch the monitors, to question why the numbers are changing, to see all the wires and tubes connected to our baby boy. The helpless feelings we will face as Jordan fights for his life. We will soon face our fears and we will need our family and friends to walk with us, sit with us, cry with us, wait with us and pray with us.
I was reading a heart babies blog and the mother had a link to the interview posted below. I watched the video and begin to cry and find peace in my situation. Everyday will be a challenge and I know the days to come will be hard. But God is there and he will never leave us! This quote came from the interview and it is something I have repeated in my head all day long. I have to have faith in it!
"If we can trust God with our eternity, we've got to trust Him with our now."
Thank you for coming here to support our family through this exciting but challenging period of our lives. As most of you are already aware, Jordan was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. We have set up this site to help keep our family and friends informed through the birth and surgical procedures of Jordan's life.
I don't know you personally, but I know Heather and your mom. I will pray for your family and Jordan. God has a plan and he is in control. I will follow you through your blog.
ReplyDeleteLove in Christ,
Sandy Bruner Gay